piggy91891

well i recently kicked the habit of biting my nails again. ive been biting them since i was very little and im 20 now. I stopped biting them earlier this year, then relapsed due to stress, and am now almost 100% off biting them. i still put them in my mouth as if im going to bite them, but i think im doing well this time again.

AHH i just blogged about this on tumblr a couple days ago! i was thinking more like a pill or a shot to give you talent. ANYTHING would be nice. but after that, i got to thinking that it would suck for everyone to be able to have talent. art would be dead. music would be dead... maybe some people are just meant to be viewers.

i see now that you are dwelling on this. dont. im not.

you think im happier now?

you think im more miserable?

im niether. i am the same. i am not the one who has changed. you are. i am the same.

you are just one of many who have been close to me, and left for something better. im used to it. it has happened before. i dont regret anything, but theres also nothing drawing me back to you. i still love the memories, and i still trust you to keep my secrets and your promises, as i have been respectfully honoring mine. i dont see any need to keep trying to villianize me. ive defended you many times and even now i dont speak any untruths about you to make you seem like less of a person. im not ‘going down’, nor am i attempting to bring anyone with me. people drift away from each other, usually quickly, and im used to it.

you’d be surprised, though, how quickly ive grown now (also not affected by your absence). i think ive become a better person. still the same me, just with less of the crazy. im happy, and im trying to get things together and ready for my future, instead of living to just make myself happy for the minute. im trying to change. but i am the same.

<3

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1. When i turn, its for a legit reason; you did something that seriously bothered or embarrassed me. when you turn, its because i turned or because you want to be closer to someone else. i dont want to smother you, so i let you go off with people who like to do the things that i dont but you do.

2. im never the only one who thinks you are wrong. yea, the people that im referring to are probably biased. but generally when youre wrong, i defend you to those people to the point of making excuses. and dont think that you are wrong all the time. but im confident that most of these things, if explained to the therapists who you look up to so much, would also be considered wrong by 'professionals'.

3. what am i trying to be? ive never tried to be anything but what is comfortable to me. so this question baffles me.

4. reasoning about? from whom? sometimes what you think is best for a person is not, only because there is no humanly possible way to know their whole story.

5.i do listen. all the time. but, just to humor you, what did i not listen to? your worries and sorrows? your advice? your ever glittering life stories? your past? your dreams for the future? im a huge fan of objectivity, and ive been told im a GREAT listener by so many people, so i dont know.

6. you try your best, but i think you could do better. humans were never meant to live as peaceful creatures. that includes even the best of friends. so sometimes a person needs to just bitch it out. life isnt like the movies, which only portray some days out of a persons life anyway. you cant just be perfect for each other. but you can create something so elastic that no matter how far you pull it apart, itll go back to being the same as ever but with a few improvements. so dont get mad at me for telling you exactly what i need from you, or for not being able to be what you want because you dont have the audacity to just tell me what that is!

7. i wish i could answer that. but i think that it is a very rude, untrue thing to say. i do try to better myself for my future. all of the people and things that surround me are what i want my future to be about. i like simplicity, so although i would love to have endless resources, i dont mind being poor. i am still a teenager. theres plenty of time for me to do the things that you view as the only path to success. im getting there. ive just had a few setbacks, very little help, and like to go slow.

8. i dont hate anyone except that one single person. and even with her, i can still humanize. but i also dont feel 'love' for anyone other than jeff and my immediate family. its oddly freeing to be able to let go of someone so easily, and yet also to be able to let someone in, in the same way. im an open person and can tell almost anyone anything. i dont like to lie, and hiding is part of lying, i think.

9. because we were inseparable, best friends and i asked you to. and what did i ruin your life with? even now i keep the secrets to myself that i know you specifically didnt want anyone to know.

10. i lied? about the... amp? to the best of my knowledge, it was sitting in your room, as it has been. and when cleaning your room, i asked 'should this go in the closet?' the answer was 'no, cam likes to use it.' the end. i also still believe that you have it. first, id like to point out that adam never wanted to be with you permanently (which not only did i try to tell you, but he literally did tell you), so why would he GIVE you something of value to him? hes selfish enough in every other way, that i believe even if you were dating, it would have been a loan. secondly, you blinded yourself so much back then, believing the little nice things he said to you and interpreting them as much more beautiful things, that it would have been easy for you to also believe that he gave it to you as a token of love. i also know that no matter how many times i tried to politely crush your dreams of being with him, purely because i guessed the knowledge of his true motives, you wouldnt believe me! so now i ask YOU, why dont you listen to reasoning? why dont you listen to me at all? third, i know for a fact that if you had given him anything of any sort of value, for pure example a camera... nothing huge, just a regular shitty $100 digital camera that you got from your parents or something... i know that you would have, one day (be it after a month or after 2 years), want it back and would have pestered them until you got it back. now, if someone used the excuse of having had it for so long that it 'technically' was theirs, you would have been like what is this bullshit? i currently have a white shirt, a gaga remix cd, a vcr, and probably a couple of other things of yours. i bet you want them back too. you can have them, if you just ask.

11. i am not alone. ive never felt so close to one person in my life, and thats all i need. but since you might not believe that, because of course you know im a social person, i have many "new" friends that im having a lot of fun with. so please dont be so worried about me.

12. i have learned that it was stupid of me to be closer to the person who hurt me more, rather than the one who was always there. but in the end, i stuck to it and i came out on top. i learned that if a strong, demanding virgo is friends with a lucky, fragile pisces, someone will get hurt, jealousy does go both ways, there will always be an arms/ power race, and if both are already emotionally wounded from other things in life, they might not be as close as they wish to. i learned that not trying is so much less stressful than half ass trying. other than that, here is where i could say 'ive learned so much more'. but that would be all vague. so, when i say that i honestly learn something new every day, its your choice to believe it or not.

13. you didnt read the fine print? oh come on! people always promise that. what they really mean is 'i want to be there always, and i want to be perfectly compatible. i hope that we are always friends and work through everything. but this is a dream and will apply hopefully for a long time but not always.' i wish forever was an easy goal. i love the idea of having someone who knows me inside and out, and vice versa. someone that you can count on to be in for whatever adventure you want to go on. someone whos always got your back. and thats what it was! but im not the type of person to just be on your side simply because you are my best friend. i tell you when you are wrong, and thats the way it should be. but you exploded on me, saying i was twisted for feeling used cuz, yet again, i was in the middle of you and adam. maybe you are as fragile as your sisters said? ever think about that? its not a bad thing! but theres no need to throw tantrums and whip your phone at the wall.

so thats my response. yes, i looked at it several times to edit it, and make sure that i wasnt speaking out of anger. at this moment i am not angry, so i like to believe that this is as objective and polite as i can make it. turn it around in your head a couple times, show it to friends, idc. i see that your OP is erased or hidden, but hopefully you remember it.

well it was named sprinkles. but she died. my baby was on a month 'old'

im so sick of everything.
im sick of college. i dont know if im going to pass all my classes this semester either cuz they are all ganging up on me as far as work overload. and now i got an email saying that if i dont pay it, i wont be allowed to sign up for classes next year.
im sick of the dog. she is the worst dog ever. all she does is bullshit. taking shit out of the trash and flinging it everywhere. jumping on the bed and everywhere all dirty. chewing up the pillows. clawing and biting. ticks and fleas. always in the mud. snatching food. i cant handle it.
im sick of always being in debt. im more sick of always having to mooch off jeff. i know that he wants to help me and that i need it, but i hate it. i cant stand always feeling like we arent together. feeling like im his good deed of the year and that i cant even do anything back for him. ever. the best i can do is just give him as much money as i can. but if i give him my check, how can i pay off my bills? and i hate not having any money to myself ever. i cant do anything fun at all. i hold everyone else back.
i cant stand something else, but im not going to put it up on here.

i am hurt.
i dont understand jeff right now.
we were at his uncles bday party thinger last night and he just randomly asked his mom how far away washington dc is. she tells him, prbly an eight hour drive and why? he answers that hes thinking about taking a trip to the holocaust museum.
wait. what?
i didnt know about this. and i guess i wasnt invited. so not only do i look like an idiot in front of his mom (again. cuz i brought up the idea of a trip to LA again, but that was a while ago), but i dont know why he wouldnt want me to go.

idk i asked him about it. he said that he did want me to go and stuff.

i'm not sure. the answer to this lies in the answer to my own personal question, is the universe truly never-ending? because if it is, then there definitely are other lifeforms. its a duh. are we so haughty and almighty that we think we are the only speck in the entire never ending space that had a big bang (or if you are religious, why wouldnt god have made himself two playhouses instead of one?)
but, im skeptical that there is no end to the universe. or maybe rather, i dont like the way that idea sounds. so i prefer to believe that there is an end. even so there could still be other life forms. and depending on when their planet was made and how, the could be older or younger, passive or violent. who knows. what i like to believe, just to satisfy my need for knowing everything, is that there are other planets and that the other life forms are either like us, and/ or peaceful.

    i have a car.i got it yesterday. its a 1993 plymouth accliam. "maroon" outside, but more kinda purply. with oxidization.... but that i guess can get cleaned off. its got a red interior. like, fucking RED. everything. lol. uhm and its a little trooper. cruise works, radio works decent. its in like perfect condition. the locks on the inside have little bite marks, prbly a dog. im sooooo suped. thanks to jeffrey, always. but we got in a little fight yesterday cuz i was a little short with him. he slept on the couch :( he said that "he cant ever do enough for me", cuz im never happy.
    i dont think he understands that he does almost too much. i dont like feeling like he does everything for me and like i owe more to him. on top of my already debt filled mind. i do appreciate everything he does for me, but ive lost who i was. kinda. i mean i know what happened to her. i would rather have money, and not be in debt. it makes me independent, but now im completely dependent on him, and that makes me worthless.
     i dont get to do anything for myself now that makes me proud of me.

we went to sacred ink. late. and got her tattoo, while some old as fuck lady got her clit pierced.

then we went to shogun. wicked good. i tried fried ice cream. not as good as i anticipated but still wicked good.

now im home and exhausted. i want to go to bed. but i cant. cuz jeff has people over. and theyre playing halo. loudly and annoyingly.

i was going to write a whole story about what happened yesterday. and all my "feelings" right now. but im too lazy and tired and it all doesnt matter anyway.

peace